Peter Damien Riley: President
A real alpha male type. You know the sort: the classic look-you-in-the-eye, balls-on-the-table, able-to-name-cars-from-a-seventy-to-seventy-five-feet-distance kinda man. When elected into office, Peter celebrated by saying “yes!” and pumping his fist into the air. It was very uninspiring. Little known fact: Peter gave Nike their famous ‘Just Do It’ slogan after they came to him asking how to come up a good branding idea.
Izzy Bromfield: Secretary
The society’s resident Strong Female Character, Izzy has attempted to break the glass ceiling so many times that she was actually awarded the role of secretary for her efforts. Great job Izzy! Often describes herself as a middle-aged woman trapped inside a 19-year-old’s body, which makes a nice change from them being trapped inside loveless marriages, I guess.
Joss Bates: Social Sec
Clocking in at 110 pounds, Joss is by far the wealthiest member of the society. Currently starting his own anti-populism political party, in which his outspoken, say-it-like-it-is manner is really helping it pick up mainstream attention. Joss identifies as a veganatarian (only eats vegans), and is widely considered to be a soulful boy, with wisdom past his years (we suspect he stole it from an elderly relative).
Lauren Bond: Social Sec
One gets the sense that Lauren is constantly cosplaying a Tracy Beaker character that only appeared in the show long after you stopped watching it. Can’t read clocks, braille or ‘Crime and Punishment’ (too many characters, she says). Also can’t read. Lauren has been missing for several months now, after she declared she was going to “find mice elf” in the fields and forests of Lapland.
Minhaz Ahmed: Live Events
After six seasons of unparalleled critical acclaim for his ‘loosely autobiographical’ Netflix series, Minhaz has come to Warwick in order to escape the fame and reconnect with reality. For a good time, ask him about wrestling, magic tricks or the current resurgence of White Nationalism and its relation to social networking sites.
Josh Bunt: Publicity
A teenager’s mediocre anime sketch brought to life, Josh is often thought of as a human fidget-spinner; inexplicably entertaining, predominantly pointless and shamelessly transformed into a marketable commodity beyond his original purpose of helping ADD-affected children focus. Actively fantasises about becoming the first black chancellor of the exchequer.
Ben “I’m Not Twelve” Harcourt: Sketch Officer
Once considered the society’s heart-throb, Ben’s reputation deteriorated quickly after he proudly and publicly announced his decision to stop paying child support to his ex-wife. Weird thing to brag about, I know. He has also appeared on gameshows The Chase, Golden Balls and Come Dine with Me, though his episode of the latter was cut down significantly after a catastrophic misunderstanding of the show’s title.
Tom Saint-Leger: Stand-Up Officer
After spending over £4000 on Angry Birds in-app purchases on his father’s credit card, Tom was ousted by his Romanian peasant family and cursed to never cut his hair again. Since then he’s taken up ‘artistic pursuits’ to hide this shameful, hairy backstory, and works tirelessly to redeem himself by never sitting in a priority seat on the bus. His catchphrase is “hi”; says it to literally everyone he meets.
Alex Acklam: Treasurer
Not much is known about Alex, but I’m contractually obligated to make these all at least 50 words long, so here’s a punt. Alex is doing alright. He attends lectures, has a good circle of mates, dresses nice enough for a guy who’s never really thought much about what he wears. Fundamentally, he has a good heart, but sure, he makes mistakes now and then. Occasionally he’ll do things without thinking about other people, even if he loves them – sometimes especially if he loves them – and the things he says, they don’t always come out right, and that makes people sad; really sad sometimes. He doesn’t mean to do the damage he does, it just sorta happens. And it keeps happening. And if he thinks about it long enough – on lengthy, rainy, aching train journeys or upon returning home after a night out spent drinking more than he’d anticipated and flirting with attractive but unattainable friends – it’s because he’s hurting, deep down; deeper down than he thinks anyone could ever see, and it’s like everything will be okay as long as no one ever does see, right? Right? But expressing all this stuff doesn’t do anything – he needs to be better, he knows that. It’s just… How? How do you change? How does anyone change, really?
“Just do it,” said Peter (Alex also loves callbacks). “Just try.”